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Take 2

I ended up with a massive kidney infection and kidney stones after my last post so I am starting the modified version of the 21 day fix tomorrow...It will take me 78 days to get through the 21 days worth of workouts because I am only able to do about 10 minutes of exercise a day right now, so I will be doing the modified version of the workouts, and I will be doing the warm up and cool down each day along with 1/3 of each days workout. Slow and steady will have to be my motto :)

Begin tomorrow

I finally got the 21 day fix in the mail. I completed the allergy test of the Shakeology. Tomorrow I take my measurements and before pictures and begin. I was going to wait because I have been sick, but in my new life sickness lasts forever so I figured I would just get started and hope for the best. My blood sugar levels have been low 91, 94, 102 because I've been sick and not eating much. I am a little worried about the amount of fruit/carbs on the fix and what that will do to my numbers, but I am going to try and adjust when necessary.

New Journey

So today is the day...I am going in a little bit to meet Robyn and try again to change my life. I have told her all about my health issues and my weight loss journey thus far (70 pounds down until I got sick and came to a halt) and she is coming up with a plan that she thinks will help me. I am going to document my journey here so that I can look back and see if it's helping me or not...I am in this to be healthier and possibly reduce my constant chronic pain, weight loss would be an awesome bonus but it's not my biggest why this time. Looking forward to Robyn coaching me to a better me.

UGH

The sound of my silent agony would be deafening...The inner turmoil I feel when she's away is unbearable :(

Is this what Hell is like?

Emptiness...It consumes me...each breath I take just magnifies the feeling...heartache...loneliness...uncertainty...To be free of it...to be done...what a blessing that would be...but what if Hell is this unending ache...This utter nothingness? Without the cowardly escape plan...Just an eternity with this gaping whole in my chest?

Changes

When things are changing all around you and You realize that you no longer know where you stand with people in your life...and then you think about it and realize that you really don't care!

Taking care of myself...getting things done in my life and trying to be happy! That's where I'm at right now!

The people I love I'm gonna keep on lovin cause that's who I am and that's what I do...Whether or not they return that love is all on them and not my problem...and the people who reject me, leave me behind, or have a problem with me...Well that's not my problem either...that's on them too! I will be who I am, and for me, that no longer depends on the thoughts and opinions of others! But for those of you who return that love and support that I give out! I appreciate you and am so thankful to have you in my life!!!

Faith it till you make it

When I am going through hard times...especially with my health issues and depression...my mom always says fake it till you make it...I always hated that saying...it felt like a lie, It didn't make sense to me...I like this though...Faith it till you make it...I can get behind that...It makes sense...There are going to be hard times...lots of them,,,and bad things are going to happen...they just do...When these things happen you have to keep your faith...You have to remember that God knows you and has a plan for you and because He knows you, that plan takes into account the person you are and the mistakes you will make...You just have to trust in him and Faith it till you make it!11018876_445688075581178_7563422528473892643_n

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sleepless again tonight...and again you're on my mind...The last few songs that you've sung are so filled with emotion that I can't stop listening to them, and I can't stop crying at my story falling from your lips! I love you so much! You can stop being so amazing any time! What do I do? You've taken up residency inside my brain and you won't leave...I am slowly going insane...slowly losing everything because all that matters to me is you but I don't matter to you...not in the same way...I'd give everything I have to find myself wrapped in your arms again, and you wanting me there...I just can't get over you...I've tried and tried but it's no good...the feelings are too real...too strong...too rooted...removing them now would kill me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55yeLg3AMpI

Feb. 21st, 2015

God tells us not to worry that we were not given a spirit of fear and that who, by worrying, can add a single hour to their life? This is the hardest biblical lesson for me...I struggle with it constantly...I have faith, but when I can't see the solution, I wonder and worry how God will, as if He is not so much bigger than whatever obstacle is in my path! What a fool I am to think this way! Has He ever failed me? No not once! I am so thankful to the people I have in my life that I can call on for help when it is most needed! To everyone who helped save the day, you know who you are, and I am thankful to you! How much more blessed would I be if I could relinquish the constant fear and worry that I allow to consume my heart!? I am trying...I am a work in progress...but a blessed one!

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