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2212015.1

why, when I need it most, can I not sleep? and when I can not sleep, why do I then waste my pen on words I'll never let them read?

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2212015

I am trapped in her web again...she keeps me awake when I should sleep and she doesn't even know it! I write poetry and short passionate stories that will never see the light of day...I empty my broken soul onto the paper hoping for a release that will never come...It's the worst kind of heart break...no one knows it's there...no one sees...not even her. Why does she have to be so damn beautiful...talented...fucking amazing!? How could she so easily enchant my soul and not be effected? My heart is broken into a thousand pieces...She did nothing...It's not her fault...a thousand years ago it seems, she enchanted my soul...She didn't even try...didn't even break a sweat...she sang to me...kissed my mouth...cuddled in the chair...I've seen her work harder charming the cashier at the store...so why can they give her a smile and laugh it off when I fall deeper into the abyss of Love I have for her...I thought all was fine...that it was my problem to deal with...but how can I pledge my eternal servitude to her...how can the very beat of my heart only sound for her and her head not be moved? Not the slightest bit...she falls over and over...she falls for people who are so obviously not her meant to be...but still she falls...and here I sit in the dark and lonely cell that I've created by loving her with every ounce of myself and being forever denied that which I desire most! Everything I do I do it for you! It's not a fucking song it is my life and she take no notice...How I can mean everything and nothing to her at the same time, is beyond me! I don't understand...my heart is broken for want of her and I wonder, given the opportunity, what she would really repay...what she would go with out to see MY dream a reality...she doesn't need to sweat it...I don't have a dream, but I don't know that I can see her making the same kinds of sacrifices for me that I make for her...I find myself wondering how much is too much...how long will I be a slave to your every whim...She enchanted my soul and I both fear and hope that I will never be the same again.

How many times will I write this story? How many times before the ending changes? I have said I just want her to be happy and if she's happy I'm happy...it's so close and yet so far from the truth...You see I've realized that I just want to be happy too...and not necessarily with her...just happy...and i DO want her to be happy...but the "if she's happy I'm happy" It's bullshit! It's so far from the truth that it's laughable...her happiness does not complete me and It shouldn't...She only finds her happiness in the arms of another woman and it's like a knife wound to my chest...I could be happy...if it were legit love with someone that she had a future with...I could be happy for her and I could be free to find my own happiness...but we all know it won't last and I'll have to scrape her off the floor again remind her of how beautiful and amazing she is and watch her do the same thing all over again...all while never noticing me...I am so pathetic...desperately longing for someone I know I can never have...but dammit she's the one that crossed the line! Why make me love her if she knew she'd never reciprocate? It has been so close to a year already and I fear I will never be free of her web! I love her so much...I try to define it...explain it...but words fail me...they do no justice to describing how great my love is for her...I would do ANYTHING for her absolutely ANYTHING but on these sad and sleepless nights I wish it were a lie...I wish there were a switch that I could just easily turn off and be done with it...my body is wracked with pain from my various health issues...my heart is shattered...my soul is sick and the emotional pain is staggering...More often than not I find myself longing for an end I fear will never come...That blissful silent darkness of death...lately THAT is my biggest fantasy

02172015

I can't breathe...I'm drowning while everyone walks around ...breathing... talking... laughing... they don't even see me struggle... don't even see the waves crashing over my head!

01232015

it's just the depression is overwhelming...it leaves my heart aching and my body empty like there's a gaping wound in my chest...it makes me tired...it makes me weak...but I can't sleep cause the sadness is in my dreams too!!! It's just an overwhelming ache and my desire to end it all is so intense...i have to fight it constantly...every day...to add the migraines and pain on top of that is just too much! :(

today

She can give me butterflies with just a look, and make me feel stupid for having them, not because of anything she says, but because of the multitude of things left unsaid. Labels are so unnecessary but I like to know where I stand. She calls to me at night and falls asleep in my arms, and having her in my arms is a heaven I've never known before, but I miss her so much in the day. I am becoming rather pathetic, I am drowning in her and have no wish to be rescued.

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this morning

I came home with your scent upon my skin, the smell of you in my hair. It's intoxicating after such a short night of you sleeping in my arms, I want the smell of your cologne to last until I can see you again. I hate to wash it off, it triggers memories of a passionate kiss against the wall, a hand upon my thigh, I want those memories to last.

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Last Night

She slept in my arms last night, nestled in my breast, her legs wrapped up in mine. We shared a few sweet kiss, but mostly she just slept. I couldn't, it was the most intimate moment of my life, and I didn't want to waste a second of it on sleep. I gently stroked her hair and watched her sleep and thought about what had happened to lead to this moment. She sang to me under the star light, a love song, the words weren't meant for me, It was just a random song picked to display her singing talent, but a girl could forget that the words weren't meant for her when she is staring into her eyes while singing them. She stole a kiss in the darkness, I almost didn't see it coming, but when it did, I didn't want it to stop. It was short and sweet but that didn't stop it from sending sparks through my entire body. She stole another by the fire. I don't know what made her kiss me. Was it the fire? The stars? The liquor? Please don't let it have been the latter. There was no talk of relationship, no labels, no questions about tomorrow. There was just this moment wrapped together in the stillness of the early morning, and maybe this moment is all that will ever be. Things are complicated as things often are. I already crave her, her kisses, her touch, but more than that. I like to be around her. She's nice and funny and interesting. I can't get her out of my head. Regardless of what may or may not happen, I am quite sure I will never forget last night.

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I hate Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!!!

I have been fighting back tears all day, and I feel like I have a gaping hole where my heart should be...like I can't even breathe (even though I know I can)...I feel like I will be alone forever, which is exactly how I felt when I met Tim , which is what started this whole tragedy to begin with. I have NO idea what I am going to do with my life! I need to get some driving time (which is virtually impossible) and get my license before/by this summer, and I need to figure out what I am going to do for money, and what I am going to do with Nicky (who doesn't want Daddy to leave, and who wants to go with Daddy to live with Grandma and Grandpa), and Tim can't find an apartment that he can afford and he won't move into the other room, so we are stuck in the same bed, so I'm going to have to clean the other room and move into it, because I can't stand the way things are right now, and I can't breathe, and my chest aches SO much, and I just want it to stop, and now I can't even see the computer screen through my stupid tears and I am so angry and so sad, and it hurts so bad and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, and I really, really don't know how much longer I can hold it together...

The dreaded D word!

I have decided that I am getting a divorce!
I haven't told my husband yet, but I am definitely DONE!

I need to:
Get my drivers license
Get a car
Get a full time job
Get a babysitter
Get a REALLY good lawyer (because I don't want to lose custody of my son)

I am SO ready to be through with this section of my life, and move on to something that is hopefully better (I don't see how it could be worse.)

disgusted!

I am so fuckin disgusted with myself I can't even fuckin stand it! My husband wouldn't leave for work because I wouldn't tell him that I loved him...I know we need his income, we can't afford for him to lose this job, so I told him I loved him, even though I don't, I couldn't look at him when I said it, I knew if I did he would be able to see the truth in my eyes, and I don't think I could have lied right to his face, not about this...

Why can't I find the courage to just be done with this sham of a marriage? I have to figure my life out so that I can get my license and a car and a full time job, and get myself to the point that the next time he does this I can look him in the eyes and say "NO, I don't love you, and I don't want to be with you anymore!"

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